At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had
lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to
the person who found it.
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given
a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is
it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother
scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the
train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were
no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was
this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train
came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting
as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his
face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to
kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train
goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that
English fella again .
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a
twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and
collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are
unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of
their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from
that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and
fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the
Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together
forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle
and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole
thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: ''
no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up
or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the
last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was
stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked
"You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving