New Meanings for Old Words

* Acupuncture, n., a jab well done.
* Adult, n., a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* Beauty Parlor, n., a place where women curl up and dye.
* Cannibal, n., someone who is fed up with people.
* Chicken, n., the only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
* Committee, n., a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* Dust, n., mud with the juice squeezed out.
* Egotist, n., someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* Handkerchief, n., cold storage.
* Inflation, n., cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* Mosquito, n., an insect that makes you like flies better.
* Raisin, n., grape with a sunburn.
* Secret, n., something you tell to one person at a time.
* Skeleton, n., a collection of bones with the person scraped off.
* Toothache, n., the pain that drives you to extraction.
* Tomorrow, n., one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
* Yawn, n, an honest opinion openly expressed.
* Wrinkle, n., something other people have; I have character lines.

* Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
* Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
* Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
* Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
* Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
* Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
* Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
* Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and stays there.
* Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
* Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
* Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
* Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
* Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
* Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
* Testicle, n. a short quiz.

* Abasement, n. where the furnace is located.
* Barbarian, adj. belonging or related to Barbara.
* Hegemony, n. blending your hedgerow into your neighbor's.
* Physique, n. the opposite of mystique.
* Scurrilous, adj. in an excited state (said of mice and the like).
* Copacetic, n. a relaxant that helps you cope.
* Oxymoron, n. someone who is as dumb as an ox.
* Incommodius, adj. unable to get to find a vacant bathroom in time.
* Infantry n. the kid's room.
* Jaywalk, v. walk like a colorful bird.
* Malediction, n. the way men talk.

* Acronym, n. The name of a tumbler.
* Aftermath, n. Relaxation after your algebra class.
* Decapitation, n. Removing a hat with a bill on it inside a building.
* Defile, v. Remove from alphabetical order.
* Hangover, n. The wrath of grapes.
* Ramshackle, n. Chains for a male goat.

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